GIRL: Four, three, two, one!
[ rock music playing]
♪ Every birthday, my mom and dad would say ♪
♪ "You're another year older, another year wiser" ♪
♪ But I still go to school
♪ To get an education
♪ I treat each and every day
♪ Like a mini vacation
♪ All grown up!
♪ I really want to shout it out ♪
♪ All grown up!
♪ I want the world to know
♪ All grown up!
♪ I really want to shout it out ♪
♪ All grown up
♪ With you
♪ All grown up with...
♪ you.
Uh, that's okay, Mom--
you could have dropped me back there.
Nonsense, there's a spot right by the curb.
Uh!
I could have let myself out.
Please.
You want to look your best
for your girlfriend, don't you?
Mom!
There's Rachel now.
Bye, Mom!
Don't forget Susie's party after.
Kiss.
[ groans]
Hey, Tommy.
New look?
Ugh!
[ honks horn]
[ marching band playing on TV]
LIL: Wow, Susie--
being chosen to sing
in the Gracy's Day Parade in New York City.
This is big.
Bigger than big.
This is as big as Dummy Bear's head from last year's parade.
Sometimes I can't believe it.
I am representing the American Cheese Council.
[ sighs]
Did you know cheese represents .02%
of our gross national product?
Uh, no.
Really?
Fascinating.
Did you know that, Angelica?
I'm sorry, I wasn't listening.
I was just admiring my cuticles.
Aren't they lovely?
Aah!
Oops.
You did that on purpose.
Did not.
Only I wish you guys could all come to New York to cheer me on.
New York City?
That sure would take the sting out
of narrowly missing the chance to sing in the parade.
Narrowly?
You didn't even make it past the first audition.
Aah!
Were you talking to me?
Might as well forget New York.
No way that's happening.
Take the kids to New York City?
Why not?
We're not using the plane tickets the parade gave us.
But it still wouldn't cover all of us going.
What if it was just the moms and kids?
According to the Lipshitz book Tweens: From Angel to Enemy,
this could be our last chance
to get close to our adorable children
before they turn into sulking, bloodsucking ciphers.
Well, if it's a bonding experience you want,
why fly?
Why not see the country the way I did--
from the road?
Hang on tight, Butch.
[ revs engine]
[ tire squeals]
That's a great idea, Betty.
We could drive cross country.
You in, Charlotte?
Huh! Are you kidding?
I haven't driven across country since I was a college gal.
Hang on tight, Butch.
[ revs engine]
[ tire squeals]
Guess what?
We just decided to take all of you to New York City
to see Susie sing!
[ cheering]
What's going on?
We'll all going to see the Gracy Day Parade.
No way!
That's wicked awesome.
So, how are we getting there?
First-class airfare?
Staying at swanky hotels?
Better!
We're taking an R.V.!
You've got to be kidding.
Just you and your mothers for a whole week!
Wicked.
Cheese!
Sweet.
Guys!
The bathroom has a spa tub!
I am finally beginning to understand the pioneer spirit.
I wonder what this does.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Check it out.
We can see where we're going
and where we've been at the same time!
I've been training myself to do that for a whole year!
Uh, Angelica?
Thanks.
DIL: You know, I'm kind of surprised
you wanted to come on this trip,
what with Susie getting
so much nationally televised face time
and you still being basically, you know, a nobody.
Please, Dil.
Susie is my friend,
and I'd feel terrible if something awful
prevented her from performing in the parade.
[ bang; groan]
Oh...!
I thought you were...
Never mind.
Okay, show's over.
Let's get rolling.
We have an early start tomorrow.
And I mean early.
[ crickets chirping]
[ all yawning]
[ cell phone ringing]
[ cheers]
That was Betty, everyone.
She's on her way with the R.V. right now.
I'll miss you.
Me, too.
Tommy!
Did you go to the little boys' room?
We're leaving.
Wow.
Did you see that?
Did you?
She kissed him--
on the mouth and everything.
Of all the things that have touched my lips,
the thought of someone else's never even occurred to me.
I'm repelled... and yet oddly intrigued.
But I'm 13 months,
three weeks and five days older than Tommy
and no girl has ever planted one on me.
It's never gonna to happen for me, Phil.
No girl's ever gonna to want to kiss me.
You don't know that.
This is a big country.
I'm sure somewhere out there there's a girl
who won't find you freakishly repulsive.
You think?
[ horn honking "La Cucaracha" theme, engine rattling ]
[ brakes squealing, engine clunking]
[ window creaking]
BETTY: Feast your sockets on the Itex American Cruise Deluxe.
What happened to the nice, tasteful Cascade Supreme?
Sold out.
Besides, I got twice the size
for half the price.
Come on in.
Oh, and don't worry
about that moldy bathing suit smell--
she'll air out.
Um, well, it is roomy.
Yeah, it... it'll still be fun.
Guys, did you see this?
CHUCKIE: "I am crud"?
[ laughing]
BETTY: Ah, the open road.
According to Lipshitz,
this could be our last great bonding experience
with the kids, Betty.
I don't want to miss one natural wonder or cultural highlight.
Ah, just as long as we make good time--
we got a whole country to cross in five days.
DIDI: My, that isa lot of driving.
That's why I brought along my own personal blend of beans.
I call it "Betty Blast."
A couple of slugs of this...
[ slurps]
[ shudders]
and I'm good to go!
[ groaning]
Betty, I'm not feeling so good.
I think it was the burrito we had for lunch.
Nonsense-- you always find the best roadside chow
at diners/ car washes.
[ groans]
[ heaving]
[ retching]
I'll be sure to write that down.
Lil, are you gonna dribble that ball
all the way to New York City?
Mm-hmm.
Eighty-seven...
I'm going for the book of world records.
All I have to do is keep this ball off the ground
and Alvin Fremont's 1998 Sydney- to-Melbourne record is dust.
War.
I wish we had that R.V. with the plasma screen
and 600 channels of satellite TV.
The moms wouldn't let us watch it anyway.
Remember the Lipshitz rule: no electronic devices.
No cell phones, computer games--
nothing but long stretches of open road to numb our minds.
♪ When I was a little tyke ♪
♪ I thought there was one kind of cheese ♪
♪ Cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese... ♪
[ retching]
Talk about mind-numbing.
Boy, are you guys sticks in the mud.
This trip's gonna be epic.
You want to know why?
Because this is the Southwest, my friend,
home of UFO crashes, nuclear test sites,
frozen alien bodies hidden in government hangars--
along with all my missing socks.
We are talking the freaky capital of the freaky world!
And I say...
Look-- Bigfoot!
Nix that.
Just a really hairy guy with his shirt off.
[ retching]
Maybe Dil's right.
I'm getting down on this trip
before we've even started.
Hey, look what I pulled off the 'Net.
"The 100 Most Upchuckingest Thrill Rides In America"?
And we'll be passing at least half of them.
Aah!
Okay, everybody.
First stop.
What is it, Mom?
Queasy Canyons?
Whiplash Willows?
Even better.
Welcome to Clifford, California, onion capital of the West!
The onion was first brought here
by Klabner Maxwell in 1846 from the Canary Islands.
[ all sniffling]
It's the onions, right?
No, I'm just bored to tears!
Now, follow me
and we'll be entering our gift shop.
Don't touch anything, kids.
[ rumbling]
[ all sniffling]
[ blowing noses]
Watch the Finster magic at work.
CHUCKIE: Hi.
Have you been eating onions?
Oh!
Ow!
Okay, everybody-- photo op!
TOUR GUIDE: One...
PHIL: Hey, look!
GUIDE:Two...
A flattened lizard!
Three.
[ camera shutter clicks]
MAN: Welcome to the world's widest Christmas tree.
[ camera shutters clicking]
[ camera whirring]
Dil, don't touch.
SUSIE'S MOM: Isn't it wonderful
how well our girls have been getting along?
I know-- Angelica hasn't shown
one hint of jealousy about the parade.
[ door lock clicking]
Hey, Susie!
You locked the door!
[ R.V. starting up] ! Susie?
[ squeakily]: Susie?
486, 487...
488... 489...
TOMMY: Hey, Mom, why can't we go do that?
You'd hurt yourself.
Besides, you can do cheap thrill rides anywhere.
Where else but in Needleston, Nevada,
could you have seen the world's biggest ball of string?
[ people shouting]
Oh, no!
[ man shouting]
[ sobbing]: No... no, not that!
It's official: This trip is a bust.
LIL: Four hours
in the Museum of the Mayonnaise?
When do we get to do what we want to do?
PHIL: Snakeskin...
possum tails, squirrel bones...
What is that?
It's my collection.
I'm so bored I'm exploring my interest
as a budding naturalist...
or a chef.
Ew!
What is it with moms, anyway?
Why do they have to be all over us all the time?
Yeah, what's with all these photographs?
And the "don't touch anythings"?
And why are they always coming at you with their spit?
On your face, in your hair...
I'd get grounded for spitting on someone's hair.
When's my mom gonna realize I'm grown up?
DIL: I don't know.
I kind of like it when Mom wipes my face
with a saliva- soaked tissue.
It's like a warm, wet "I love you."
[ zipper unzipping]
I was over at the bathrooms,
and guess who I found digging in the garbage?
Hey, I was here the whole time.
[ barking]
I went to every campsite, and no one knew him.
He must be abandoned.
The moms said you could keep him?
No way-- so I figure I'll sneak him.
Come on, Pumpkin.
[ panting]
Well, one good thing:
We're out here in the fresh air and not stuck in the Crudinator.
Yep.
You said it.
You bet.
[ insect buzzing]
[ slapping; kids shouting]
[ yawning]
Ah... up and at...!
Oh, mother of mayhem!
[ dog growling, barking]
Aah! My collection!
Don't you dare, you little fleabag!
[ barks]
[ growls]
[ laughing nervously]
[ R.V. chugging]
[ bolt clinking]
Because of this morning's dog mishap,
we're a little behind schedule.
So I've mapped out a tour
of the most amazing natural wonders you'll ever see.
You'll all have precisely six minutes at each stop,
or I'm taking off without you.
[ camera shutter clicking, camera whirring]
Hi, my name's Chuckie.
I'm, uh, traveling across the...
Hello, Mike!
[ screams]
[ splashing]
Aah, man, could this trip get any worse?
BETTY: Look what we found
in the gift shop!
Matching hats!
Doesn't it just scream "tourist"
in a tacky yet trendy kind of way?
Oh, yeah, this will really help me with the ladies.
[ camera shutter clicking, camera whirring]
[ all exclaim]
DIDI: Ah, the Grand Canyon.
You know, Tommy, it takes four billion years
for Mother Nature to make a rock tower like that.
And you're gonna make me stand here
and watch her make it, aren't you?
Kimi, can you try to control that stinky little mongrel?
It's not my fault.
If Phil didn't carry around
his bag of death...
[ dog barking]
Ow!
[ fast music coming from camera]
Whoa-- I love this movie!
SUSIE'S MOM: Movie?
Didi, I thought the kids
weren't supposed to zone out on this trip.
Tommy!
I downloaded a DVD.
I needed something to get my mind off leaving Rachel.
DIDI: The Grand Canyon wouldn't do it?
[ Didi's voice echoing]
Not like Revenge of the Crypt Comber V.
[ gagging, retching]
Nice work, Betty.
From now on, I pick the lunch spots.
Oh, well, look who's getting all la-di-da!
Fancy girl.
[ whistling]
SUSIE: Excuse me, but have you all forgotten
what this trip is for?!
[ Susie's voice echoing]
To make you even more insufferably perfect
than you are?
And to promote the good work
of America's hard-working cheese producers.
And it was about us moms getting closer to you guys.
Well, I'm sick of getting close,
I'm sick of being told what to do,
and I'm sick of having a mom!
[ gasps]
[ wind whistling]
Maybe we should be going.
[ rumbling]
[ loud crash]
[ fire crackling, crickets chirping]
What you said to Mom, T., about not needing her-- harsh.
Yeah, well, wait till you're older.
You'll understand.
I will never understand not loving my mommy.
Hey, you guys going to see the Curtain of Tears tonight?
I'm trying to catch a ride.
Curtain of Tears?
What's that?
Oh, man, you never heard of it?
The story is this Indian princess, Sowanami,
ditched out on a bogus dude her dad wanted her to marry.
So her tribe left her behind
to starve to death
on these red rocks not too far from here.
Whoa, talk about harsh.
They say she cried so many tears,
a geyser was made on that spot.
Every year at midnight it blows
and you can see the princess rise in the mist
and hear her screams echoing in the rocks.
Wow!
Righteous.
Guys, did you hear that?
A genuine apparitional sighting-- with water feature.
Finally--
something we want to do.
Our moms aren't gonna let us
go out in the desert alone at midnight.
Oh, yeah, we might touch something.
We can always sneak out after they've gone to sleep.
SUSIE: Sneak out?
What for?
To see a real live dead Indian princess
out in the desert.
Sounds epic.
But I don't know if it's such a good idea.
I gotta sing in New York in four days,
and I don't even have my song down yet.
Oh, maybe Susie's right.
We don't even know how to get there.
We better bag it.
DIDI:Kids.
We want to apologize to you kids.
We haven't been listening
to what you guys want to do.
So tonight we're going
to a real Southwestern fiesta--
Fiesta de los Ojos Rojos!
[ mariachi music playing]
Uh-huh!
Show me how it's done!
Mom, stop it.
♪ ♪
[ both laughing, cajoling in Spanish]
Vengan, reinas...
Preciosas...
[ music continues]
[ women whooping and shouting]
[ cameras clicking]
Oh, that's it.
We have to get away from our moms.
[ women whooping and cheering]
[ snoring]
Does that shirt make me look fat?
Whatever it is you're dragging me to
better be worth it.
ANGELICA: Whoa!
ANGELICA: We've been walking an hour,
and I haven't seen any red rocks.
You've been conned.
[ animal howls, group screams]
What was that?!
Nobody worry.
I'm keeping lookout.
Thanks.
It's probably tracking Phil's bag of bones.
I told you you should've left that thing.
I did, but you came anyway.
I... I shouldn't be doing this.
The entire cheese industry is counting on me.
Yeah, I'm sure whole economies will collapse
if you don't sing perfectly about sour milk.
[ laughter in distance]
[ laughing and talking]
[ engines hum]
[ yawning]
Would you lookee here-- no traffic.
Well, time to rack up some miles.
[ engine revs]
[ dog barks]
9,625... 26... 27...
DIL:Hey, T.,
meet the Rogers.
Hi.Hi. Hi.
They were cloned and abducted by aliens.
This place rocks!
♪ When I was a little tyke
♪ I thought there was one kind of cheese ♪
♪ Yellow...
[ humming "Battle Hymn of the Republic"]
♪ Oh, glory, glory, hallelujah
♪ The cheese goes marching on... ♪
Angelica!
And then, you see this bicuspid?
They had to scrape the gum three times
before it was right.
Which headgear did they give you--
the G-force twister or the mandible mangler?
Mandible mangler.
Oh, me, too.
Nice night.
Yeah.
[ loud roar]
[ screams]
[ all gasp]
[ faint howling]
[ all cheering]
Did you see...And the part where...
I know, and then when the...
I was so close.
I could almost feel her overbite on my cheek.
SUSIE: Uh, oh, no!
It's gone!
[ all gasping]
I don't get it.
The R.V. was right here.
Maybe my mom went to fill up the tank.
Maybe someone stole it.
The "I Am Crud"?
Please!
Or maybe it's payback for what Tommy said to Mom,
and we've been left behind to starve to death
just like the Indian princess Sowanami.
How long you think we can last
if we take turns licking this fuzzy mint?
Okay, okay, let's not get all whacked out about this.
We'll just hike over to the ranger station.
There is a perfectly good explanation
for this.
I hope.
♪ A hundred cups of Blast on the wall ♪
♪ A hundred cups of Blast...
Rise and shine, buttercups!
[ brakes squeal]
Well, where are we?
Brunswick, Missouri.
Not the home
of the world's largest pecan?!
Yep.
While you lazy heads were sawing Zs, I covered almost 600 miles.
And you know what?
I could do another thousand.
[ snoring]
[ horn honking "La Cucaracha" theme]
[ snoring]
Wakey, wakey, time for cakey.
[ unzipping]
Oh!
[ screams]
How's my driving?
We in Missouri yet?
Yes, but our kids are back in New Mexico.
Didi, man the map.
Lucy, grab me up a cup of joe.
We're turning this baby around.
[ engine chugging]
[ engine backfires, quits]
[ Chuckie moaning in sleep]
[ kissing]
I'm sorry, Susie.
I know you worked really hard to sing in this parade.
Don't sweat it, Tommy.
We still got three days
to get to New York.
I'm not worried.
Thought you kids might be hungry.
I'm Ranger Walking Wind Little Feather,
but call me Claus.
Claus?
It's easier to program in the speed dial.
TOMMY: You know where our moms are?
I've got guys looking for the R.V.
Won't be hard to find something that butt-ugly.
[ Chuckie kissing]
Chuckie, get off me!
Whoa!
[ phone ringing]
CLAUS: Ranger Walking Wind.
Uh... Claus here.
Yes, they're right here.
Mom?
Tommy? Oh, thank heavens you're all right!
I'm sorry.
No, I'm sorry, Mom.
Where are you?
They're in Brunswick, Missouri.
Home of the world's largest pecan?
When are you coming back for us?
A couple of days?!
We'll never make it to New York
in time for the parade.
Oh.
Wow, sorry, Susie.
Yeah, tough break.
Where's the nearest four-star luxury hotel?
I'll take you to stay with my family.
I'm heading up to Raton for a big intertribal meeting.
Hold on, Mom.
Is Raton anywhere near where our moms are?
It's in the right direction,
but you'd still have hundreds of miles.
Can we go with you?
We've got to get Susie to New York
to sing on the cheese float in the parade.
Susie, Susie, Susie...
What will it take to kill this can-do attitude of yours?
I can get you as far as Denver.
Mom.
DIDI: I heard, and we're sorry,
but we can't let you travel hundreds of miles alone.
You've got to.
I can't let Susie down.
I can handle this.
Oh...
Thanks.
[ group cheering]
LIL: You're gonna make it, Susie.
Do you have that credit card number your mom gave you
to buy our tickets to Missouri?
Here it is.
As good as money, my man.
[ barking]
[ drum beating]
CLAUS: Good news--
I've found you a ride through the Rockies
that'll get you to Denver, so here.
What are those?
CLAUS: Snowsuits.
All the roads to Denver are snowed in.
You're going by dogsled.
[ dogs barking]
[ group laughing]
My hair!
[ group laughing]
[ mechanical whirring]
Oh, I'm beginning to think
letting the kids travel hundreds of miles alone
wasn't such a hot idea.
Me, too.
My Angelica may seem tough,
but she's just a scared little girl
with an inflated sense of self-entitlement.
What do you think, Didi?
I think Tommy was right and Lipshitz was wrong.
Sometimes you've got to give your kids space.
If we did our job right
we've raised bright, capable children.
ANGELICA: You've lost the credit card number?!
How are we gonna get to Minnesota?!
Missouri.
Whatever M state our moms are in.
The paper must have flown out of my pocket
when we were sledding.
10,463...
ALL: Lil!
Sorry.
Break.
Come on, guys, we can do this.
You want to prove we're grown up, don't you?
No, right now I'd be happy
having Mom gently chuck me under the chin
and tell me everything's okay.
Look, I picked up a map.
Now, we're here.
In that state shaped like a board-game box?
Yes, and our moms are here.
In the state that kind of looks like a shoe?
Yes, all we have to do is figure out
how to get across that big, flat state between them.
Don't they teach you kids geography anymore?
I have a simpler answer-- give up.
We have no money, no cell phone, and our moms
are hundreds of miles from here.
Face it-- Susie's shot at the big time is history.
No, I'm not giving up!
I have an idea.
[ chuckles]
Looks like we're not in Kansas anymore.
Nope, that's Kansas.
Look.
[ chuckling]
That wasn't so bad.
TOMMY: I found a guy
who said he can take us to the next town.
We can call our moms from there, get the credit-card number
and arrange a ride.
TOMMY: So, let me get this straight.
You have no phones.
No.
No faxes?
No.
Not even electricity?
What, are these people living in the 1800s?
Yes. They're Amish.
They don't believe in modern things.
Even... blow-dryers?
No.
What kind of nightmare is this?
BOY: E-all booger
taint?
Yah.
Mother took a ride in the car to Brunswick.
Brunswick?
Big pecan.
Plus the black apron dress
make bed to the barn?
Yah.
After ye throws some cows over to the fence some hay.
You understood all that?
Yah.
Don't be shushly.
TOMMY: Mom!
And I'm sick of having a mom.
Bye, Mom!
Hey, T.--
outen the lights.
[ crowing]
[ all yawning]
Guys, I got us a ride to Brunswick, Missouri.
Yah.
Big pecan.
I guess this thing doesn't have overdrive.
Wouldn't be plain.
So, uh... Esther, is it?
[ giggles]
[ gasps]
Uh, I'll be sitting back here.
You said you'd do it and you did, Tommy.
Thanks.
[ screams]
Ah.
Check it out--
genuine Amish road kill.
All right.
[ animal growls]
[ horse neighs]
Phil, it wants your backpack.
[ growls]
Phil, he wants your collection.
Give it to him!
[ growls]
[ barking]
Pumpkin!
[ whimpering]
[ barking]
KIMI:Pumpkin!
I was so scared.
Are you okay?
I told you guys he was a great dog.
He tracked us all the way just to save us.
I don't think wehave anything to do with it.
Who's up?
[ groans]
Guy with the beard made it sound so easy.
Does anybody have any idea where we are?
We're right here on Route 66 North.
Or 99 South?
Two words: home schooling.
[ wind gusts]
I'm cold.
I'm tired.
I'm thirsty.
I'm ugly.
[ wind whistling]
I wonder what our moms are doing right now.
Probably worrying about us.
I bet if my mom was here, she'd have something to eat.
They always have something to eat when you're hungry.
Or a sweatshirt if you're cold.
It's the purses:
Moms are like pack mules of love.
Guys ever catch your mom
sneaking into your room at night
just to watch you sleep?
Oh, yeah. Sure.Uh-huh.
It's creepy but, like, in a good way.
You guys ever think what it would be like
not having a mom?
Been there, done that.
I'm sorry, guys.
This mess is all my fault.
I wanted to prove something
and now we'll never get Susie
to the Gracy's Day Parade on time.
It couldn't get any worse.
I... want... my...
mommy!
[ all wailing]
Oh, you preteens are pathetic.
I want my mommy's...
credit card!
[ sobbing]
[ horn honking "La Cucaracha" theme]
Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!
Oh, Mom, I missed you.
Tommy, I'm so proud of you.
Look how far you came.
Huh. No big d.
Okay, everyone, we've still got four states to cover
if we're gonna get Susie to the parade on time.
Ah, the "I Am Crud."
It does smell like home.
Hold on, everybody, we're on Betty time now.
[ tires squeal]
[ Pumpkin barking]
Pumpkin!
Look out for Pumpkin!
[ tires squeal]
[ crashing]
DIDI: Is everyone okay?
You sure?
Okay.
Yeah.
They can't get anyone out here till tonight,
being the day before Thanksgiving.
It just doesn't look like we'll make it in time.
I'm sorry, honey.
Maybe you can get in the parade next year.
But we worked so hard to get here.
We came so close.
I memorized 357 kinds of cheeses!
[ sobbing]
What are you people? Quitters?
I didn't ride dogsleds, balloons
and live without a blow-dryer for three days
to give up now.
[ whistles]
[ tires screech]
We need to get to New York
and you are gonna to get us there.
What are you waiting for?
DIDI: "Clifford, California,
onion capital of the West."
[ all sniffling]
PHIL: Wait, I gotta go to the bathroom!
[ tires screech]
WOMAN: After everything you did to get here--
especially riding in an onion truck for 14 hours--
the parade committee wanted to reward you
with special luxury suites--
on us.
Ew!
Boy, people sure are snooty around here.
[ laughing]
PHIL:This isso cool!
Angelica, I just wanted to say thank you.
You didn't have to do what you did
and, well, it was... amazingly out of character.
Well, I can top it.
You're welcome.
One question: why?
Because I know that if I ever got a chance
to sing some cheesy song on national television
for hundreds of millions of people around the world,
I'd want you to have my back.
Hundreds of millions?
[ moans]
And somehow thatmade it all worthwhile.
[ marching band playing]
Man, I can't believe
with the entire United States at our feet
you couldn't get one girl to kiss you.
Oh, don't feel so bad, Phil.
I've decided it's not that important.
I mean, after all the exciting stuff we've done
the last couple of days,
kissing a girl just doesn't seem
like that big a deal anymore.
[ cheering]
This one's for Tommy.
♪ When I was a little tyke
♪ I thought there was one kind of cheese ♪
♪ Yellow, waxy, wrapped in plastic ♪
♪ Or in a can you can squeeze ♪
♪ Then one day my mama slipped me ♪
♪ Some domestic mozzarella
♪ And all at once I knew
♪ There's more cheese than American cheese in America ♪
♪ There's provolone, mascarpone ♪
♪ Bleu and brick and Brie
♪ 17 cheddars from mild to sharp ♪
♪ And a feta from Mississippi
♪ Maytag Blues from Iowa
♪ Monterey Jack's out West
♪ But if you like your cheese all molded and green ♪
♪ New Jersey Gorgonzola's the best ♪
♪ The Italians call it formaggio♪
♪ In France they say fromage♪
♪ But give me ricotta from Duluth, Minnesota ♪
♪ And all the rest is garbage
♪ Now, don't get me wrong
♪ I'm not knockin' that plastic yellow stuff ♪
♪ But there's just more cheese than American cheese ♪
♪ In the country that I love! ♪
[ song ends]
[ cheering]
It was definitely worth the drive.
Whoa...
[ screams]
[ gasps]
Whoa!
One... two... three...
ALL: ♪ Take one down, pass it around ♪
♪ 99 cups of Blast on the wall! ♪
[ horn honking "La Cucaracha" theme]
PHIL: Moms are like pack mules of love.